Hey friends! It's been a while; I know that... and I do apologize for that. A lot (like a lot lot) has been going on in my life lately. And today I'm going to let you have a peek inside my heart, which is not something that happens very often.

     I'm not even sure where to start right now, so I'll start here: on December 12, I had a bone removed from my foot. That sounds pretty crazy even to me so let me explain. My senior year of high school I struggled with severe pain in the ball of my foot. In January of 2014 it got to the point where I really needed to go to the doctor. They told me they didn't really know what was wrong but I needed to wear a carbon plate in my shoe so my pain wouldn't be so bad and my foot could heal properly. After about a month and a half I decided to get a second opinion since the pain hadn't improved whatsoever, so I went to Andrews Sports Medicine (because if they couldn't help me, no one could). I went to a sweet lady named Dr. Miner, and we discovered that I had a stress fracture in my sesamoid bone. A sesamoid is a small bone in the bottom of the foot that bears 50% of your body weight... I bet you didn't even know you had one. This sounds completely fixable and like a minor problem, right? I thought so too. It turns out to be a really rare injury that doesn't heal well, if ever. She put me in a boot because I absolutely refused to be in a cast for prom and graduation. With more and more visits, we discovered that I wouldn't be able to dance in my senior recital. This was devastating to me as I had been dancing for 14 years. If that wasn't bad enough, they told me that because I had gotten no where in a boot and physical therapy for three months and I would have to go to my last resort. I could either tough this out for, well, forever... or I could get the bone removed. So I went to consult the orthopedic surgeon Dr. Waldrop. I was told that the surgery might not even completely fix my pain, but I was desperate to get back to physical activity.

     Fast forward six months and you'll find me in the recovery room bawling my eyes out because I can't even make my way to the bathroom by myself... yep, that's been my life for the past month. I was pretty much on bed rest for two weeks because I couldn't get up without all the blood rushing to my foot. My surgery took blood, sweat, and tears to a whole other level. Luckily I had my sweet boyfriend waiting on me hand and foot (especially foot), and my family to support me as they always do. For two weeks I was in a splint. I then moved on to a cast for two weeks. The day that I was scheduled to move back into my dorm at UNA, I got my cast off and was boot bound once again. However; I still couldn't put ANY weight on my foot, and I started physical therapy soon after I got back to Florence. After a month of taking baths with my foot sticking out and scooting down the stairs on my bum I was supposed to face community bathrooms and a very hilly campus- non weight bearing! 

     I'll just leave the mental breakdowns I've had up to your imagination. As I'm sure you can assume, this surgery has taken a toll on literally everything that I do. I haven't driven since the beginning of December, I stay in a lot because of the amount of energy it takes to do anything, really... I can't do anything unless someone takes me there, which drives me crazy since I'm usually an independent person. I've had people point and laugh at me- granted, I did have to ride a knee scooter around campus. I've had to get classes changed because there are no elevators in one of the buildings. I've even had a teacher ask me every single day if my foot is healed yet because he just couldn't walk the 100 feet to the next building that our class was moved to. I've had to keep myself together more times than I can count. I've become somewhat of an introvert over the past month because I'm so self conscious of what people think of me, which is something that I haven't felt in a very long time. I feel like I have the self confidence of a 12 year old girl. But more importantly, I've gotten a taste of people who are handicapped or disabled every single day of their lives. Taking the long way to go up the ramp isn't always easy; the stares from unknown people aren't easy to ignore. Asking rides and feeling like the most annoying person in the whole world is so disheartening. While my friends have been awesome and so encouraging, I know that I've been really difficult to relate to lately.

     The point of this isn't to tell you some kind of sob story but to tell you that whatever you may be going through, you can overcome it. No matter how hard things get or how much you want to hide away from the world, you'll never be able to hide from Jesus. Reading my bible or doing my devotional or even listening to worship music while I get ready in the mornings has been my complete sanity. Some moments I've felt completely hopeless. It may feel like no one in this world knows how you feel, but they don't have to. God knows what you're thinking, and he's the only way out of the pit you're in. 

     Earlier I was in a bad place, feeling so small and alone when "In Christ Alone" came on my Spotify. I truly felt as if God was speaking to me through the song; it was exactly what I needed to hear.

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

I can never lose hope because of my wonderful God who holds me in His hands. I'm allowed to be sad; but I won't wallow in self pity because I am His and He is mine. I just need to remember that God puts trials in my life only because he knows that I can handle them and they will make me that much stronger. Even more than that, I need to see myself as a beautiful example of his healing power, both physically and mentally. My trials are a blessing.